The push and pull dynamic between an anxious attacher and an avoidant one is a common pattern observed in relationships characterised by contrasting attachment styles. Anxious attachers tend to crave closeness and intimacy in their relationships, seeking reassurance and validation from their partners to alleviate their fears of abandonment or rejection. On the other hand, avoidant attachers prioritise independence and self-reliance, often feeling uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. In a relationship between an anxious attacher and an avoidant one, the anxious partner may exhibit behaviours that can be perceived as “pushing” for closeness and connection. They may seek constant reassurance from their partner, express a strong desire for emotional validation, and become anxious or distressed when their needs for closeness are not met. This can manifest in behaviours such as frequent calls or texts, seeking constant attention, or becoming overly sensitive to perceived signs of rejection or abandonment.
Conversely, the avoidant partner may exhibit behaviours that can be interpreted as ‘pulling away’ or creating distance in the relationship. They may prioritise their independence and personal space, avoid emotional discussions or expressions of vulnerability, and withdraw when their partner seeks closeness or intimacy. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions or connecting on a deeper level, leading the anxious partner to feel frustrated or rejected.
This push-and-pull dynamic can create a cycle of conflict and tension in the relationship, as the anxious partner’s efforts to seek reassurance and closeness may trigger the avoidant partner’s need for space and autonomy. This can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and feelings of insecurity for both partners.
An anxious-avoidant dynamic often begins with a magnetic allure, drawing both individuals to each other like moths to a flame. Initially, the intensity of the connection can be electrifying, fueling a passionate attraction between the two parties. However, as time progresses, cracks may start to appear in the relationship.
This unravelling typically occurs when both parties are unintentional in love, lacking awareness of their own needs and failing to recognise the habits or behaviours of their partner. In the initial stages, attention is primarily focused on the intoxicating chemistry and excitement of the relationship, rather than on deeper introspection or understanding.
In a while though, as the relationship progresses, unresolved issues and conflicting attachment styles may surface, leading to challenges and friction between the anxious and avoidant partners. Patterns of behaviour rooted in attachment insecurity become more pronounced, causing misunderstandings, emotional turmoil, and a growing sense of dissatisfaction.
Soon, conversations go from “I find you so mysterious” to “You’re always so distant and emotionally unavailable”, or “I never know where I stand with you. It feels like you’re constantly pulling away”, or “I feel like I’m always the only one putting in effort to keep this relationship going.”
The other party, the avoidants, go from “I love that you are so loving and expressive” to “You’re always so needy and clingy. I need space to breathe”, or “Why can’t you just trust me? Your constant need for reassurance is suffocating” or, “I feel like you’re trying to control me or invade my personal space”, or “You blow things out of proportion and make a big deal out of nothing.”
Why though?
It is too complex to have just one answer.
Excerpted with permission from Red, Green, and Sometimes Beige: The Ins and Outs of a Healthy Relationship, Kasturi Mahanta, Simon and Schuster.